October 27th I further proved to the people around me that I'm crazy. Most people that know me are aware that I'm quite fearful of heights. Though I've gotten somewhat better at being in highish places over the years they still make me incredibly nervous. This fear includes the fear of flying. I don't like the idea of more or less floating around in the air with nothing between me and the ground but a little bit of metal. Someone told me once that it was no different than driving in a car because your feet aren't on the ground then. That might be true but the wheels of the car are and I can see the ground if I look down. My point being that I'm scared of flying. My grandmother asked me if I would fly to Mexico for a vacation. I told her no. The only way I was getting on a plane was to go to China or for a mission trip. Since then it has been pointed out that a flight to China is 14+ hours. Would I really want my first flight to be that long? Actually a flight to China if I left from Nashville and flew straight to Beijiing would be 14 hours and 34 minutes. But you don't fly straight to China. A typical flight would be from Nashville to another airport in the States and then possibly to another before flying to China. So it would be 15+ hours. How do I know this? I've researched it. I've read countless adoption blogs and seen many different flight plans. It's not new information. In case you are wondering no I'm not planning a vacation to China. Do I want to go to China, clearly. But it isn't to see the country. I want to visit China for two very specific reasons that I hope and pray will be realized one day. One of those reasons is to visit Maria's Big House of Hope. I want to go care for orphans on a mission trip. (Trips that I've looked into. So If any one wants to throw in some cash I'm taking donations,kidding) The other reason I want to visit China is to bring home a child. I want to adopt a child from China. I'm actually teaching myself Mandarin for these very reasons. While I can't say much yet I can ask you how you are and say hello. That won't get me far but I've got plenty of time to learn before I speak to my own child. The goal is to be as fluent as possible so that if I get the opportunity to go to Maria's House of Hope I can converse with the children and the workers.
Those who know me are not surprised by such things. I've made it clear that I want to adopt when I'm able. Perhaps they are surprised by the things I'm willing to do but not by what I want. I made it clear long ago that I planned on building a family through adoption. Am I saying that I won't have biological children, no. I'm not saying that I won't ever have children that share my genetics. But it is quite unlikely that I ever will. I do not possess the ability to make that happen due to a hormone disorder. While it can be worked around to a degree it offers no guarantee that I could father children. Believe me it's something that I've struggled with since the day I found out almost seven years ago. Even though I no longer wonder the same things, new questions tend to pop up in my head from time to time. Questions such as; Is there a flaw in me that God doesn't want to replicate? Is there something wrong with me that doesn't need to be passed on? These are not even questions I ask when I pray. Nor am I saying he made a mistake when he created me. Because God is sovereign and doesn't make a mistake. I'm simply being honest and saying that I have doubts, that I struggle with things and I've not got it altogether. I know there are clear reasons as to why God created me the way he did. I know that as confusing as everything has been and for the most part still is on occasion that there is a point. This isn't some pointless string of events but a plan for a life that God created long ago. Being blunt, that is the only thing that makes sense. I cling to the fact that this unknown future is only unknown to me and not to my Creator and Savior. It's funny I sat in Bible Study one night at the Snakenberg's and talked to my group about Kallman's when we were studying Philippians I think. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). Chris Lee asked me how I could be so joyful after all this and I remember telling him that it was simple. I could either be bitter about it or accept it. Nothing I can do can change the way I was made and while there is a part of me that very much wishes that I didn't have to deal with all this, that come time to have children one day when I marry that it would be just like any other couple, the larger part of me says that this is who I am and I need to be open to opportunities to use what I've been through to help people. While Kallman's effects roughly one in every hundred thousand males and one in every five-hundred thousand females what I've been through goes beyond a disorder.
Now while my experiences are probably far different than most I can identify well with someone who is facing the news that children aren't going to be happening for whatever reason. I can identify with the numbness and the anger and confusion and grief. I can recount without problem the day I was given that news and can tell you exactly what my father was wearing that day in the doctors office, the color of the walls and the color of the tile on the floor. I can tell you that the bed I was sitting on probably still bears the marks of my nails digging into the cushion. I know the feeling and I can relate. While many might disagree because of my age and the circumstances I assure you that whether you are young or old such news is never welcome. Maybe my reasons why I can't are different than most but when it all boils down I know that feeling and I know it well. Since I'm being painfully honest I have to admit that another thing I struggle with in all this is jealousy. Not over some material possession but of people with kids. It's funny that I've been called to teach and three days a week I'm surrounded by anywhere between 16-60 children between the ages of 6 weeks and 5 years. I'm around the very thing that makes all these feelings come to a head. It isn't constant and I don't experience it every day I go to work but it is there. Usually it catches me by complete surprise and it usually isn't with the mom's who walk their kids down the halls or come to pick them up but with the fathers. But it doesn't have to be at work I can be out somewhere see a man with a kid and it hits me. Though usually it's the hardest with babies. A product of knowing that the chance of having a baby that young are slim I guess. Ironically the very thing that often bothers me brings me happiness. I don't really know if it's possible to explain the feeling of watching a child understand something you've been teaching them or listening to them proudly relay that to a parent, but it's a great one. Don't get me wrong I love the kids I work with. They are endlessly entertaining, this morning I was given another name;carrot. The little girl that gave it to me asked me my name and I'm assuming she just can't say Jared, she's only 3. She actually spends most of nursery hanging around my neck,sitting on my lap or patting my hair or putting things on my head and saying patience or it will fall while she tries to balance things. While I'm closer to some than others, to be honest I feel like they are my own much of the time, at least I treat them like they are. For the time I have them I do my best to teach them like I would my own kids when I'm at MDO.
So if you're wondering why I want to adopt there is a reason to all this jumble of words. Though it took awhile to truly adjust to this idea.I wondered if I could love a kid that didn't share my blood like I could one that did. I'm one of those people that adoptive parents don't like. The one's that ask which one's are yours? But I've come to the conclusion that they will be mine. They will be Henegars and while they won't share my genes or my looks they will bear my name which solidifies there status as MINE. Looking back it seems like I can see a seamless plan of orchestration as God as put all this stuff in my life into place. Right down to the age I found out I had Kallman's. I want to adopt not just because it's likely the only way I will have children but I've been called to do so just like I've been called to teach. I've likely got a rough road ahead of me when it comes to bringing my kids home because after all the hours of research adoption is tough stuff, and I know it. But like with everything else I've got not doubt that He who calls me is faithful and whether I'm bringing a child home from the states or a foreign country, he has it all planned out. I told Laura Snakenberg not too long ago that I fully expect for my house look like a glimpse of the nations in Heaven one day with all the skin tones running around. I'm fully aware that the notion of having children of a different race seems odd to some. I've read enough adoption blogs to see how rude and thoughtless people can be when it comes to that. But red,yellow, black or white, if God is going to bless me with them they will be mine at least for a little while. it's funny really because I never really thought of adopting a child much beyond one of Asian decent until I read that almost half of the children in the U.S. foster system are African-American. Then I read Kisses from Katie and that only got me to thinking more. This white girl is a mother to 13 Ugandan girls. So not only is she Momma to little girls that have skin that her's won't match no matter how much she tans but they live in a completely different country in a completely different culture! I've got no doubts that there are narrow-minded people out there who are of the idea that you should only parent kids with your skin color. But is skin color so important that it would be better to let that child live without parents because their skin tone doesn't match yours? How shallow can you be? Children are children no matter their skin tone or birthplace they all need parents. If I can be that parent then so be it. I'm pretty sure we've already established the fact that my kids are more than likely not going to look like me. So where my children come from is anybody's guess. I'll just have to wait and see.
But I didn't just write this note to tell you about me. Sunday is November 4th and it is also Orphan Sunday. One day a year when people around the world, of all nations, pray and seek to bring light to the cause of the Fatherless. Churches organize events and have special speakers to talk about orphans and the ways to help them. I'm not offering up any special services and there isn't a simulcast this year. I'm just simply asking you to pray this Sunday. Pray that the fatherless will find families of their own and that through those families they find the love of the one true Father. This is a big deal and it isn't going to go away over night. But as followers of Christ we are called to defend the cause of the fatherless.
Thanks for reading this. I apologize for any grammatical errors or things that don't make sense. It's 3:00 AM at the time of this writing and I've been writing since midnight. This is something that I'm incredibly passionate about. I'm currently writing a novel centered on four orphans that I hope will one day not only shed light to this need but provide a great many sponsorships for Show Hope children and money for the TN Baptist Children's Home. While writing this hasn't been easy it has been joyful. I say all the time that God didn't make me much of a public speaker. My hands are where my words come from. I'm a writer by nature and my "voice" isn't a loud physical one but one that is spoken with strokes of a keypad or a pen. Just in case you were wondering you just read 2297 words.
They are easier to forget until you see their faces. They are easier to forget until you know their names-David Platt on Orphans.
