Just an FYI:This post is going to be a bit like watching a ping-pong match. In that it will bounce all over the place but it will all fit together, hopefully. Come on in, give it a gander.
Today I turned 30. The big 3-0. The birthday most people dread and like to call the first anniversary of their 29thbirthday. I’m not most people. I’ve been waiting for this day for quite literally half of my life now. I’ll explain the reason in a moment. First I’ve got to take you back in time a bit. See, I was born prematurely. Like two months premature. I weighed a 1.3 oz or something like that and looked like an alien (I was going to attach a baby picture to this post but don’t have any at my disposal so you’ll need to trust me on this). I had an odd shaped head that was not quite E.T. more like cartoon alien shaped (if you’ve seen the Strange Planet strip by Nathan Pyle you’ll understand) but I wasn’t green. I was however severely jaundiced to the point that I was orange for a period of time. I’ve got a scar that runs the width of my stomach from a surgery to figure out why I happened to be orange and my liver wasn’t functioning properly. It was supposed to shrink, it didn’t, it basically splits my stomach in two. If I ever get abs it’s going to look gnarly.
Why did I tell you that? Well you see I’m a small guy and for most of my life my prematurity was considered the contributing factor. Then my parents got worried because I wasn’t growing properly and at fifteen I was diagnosed with Kallman’s syndrome. A hormone disorder that in a nut shell means my body doesn’t produce testosterone and a few other chemicals that it should because my brain is basically broken. Long story short, whereas most kids hit puberty around 13 I didn’t even start until I was 15 and then I kind of hit it all at once with the help of testosterone injections. Did you know that testosterone is provided to the body for a number of medical reasons that don’t actually involve puberty or men just being men and trying to see whom is bigger and badder? Well if you did than you knew more than I did at 15. Turns out testosterone is important for your whole life and you need it. So I get injections of the hormone every other week. I can’t say they feel good but after fifteen years of taking them I don’t feel them so much anymore.
You see at 15, being told your brain is broken and your body doesn’t work quite the way it should is a lot to take in. The thing is not being tall bothered me because I’ve been short my whole life and my brothers are not. My youngest brother has been taller than me since he was nine. I’m just under four years older than he is. But even a lack of height is something I could deal with. I’ve grown several inches in all these years thanks to that jumpstart to puberty. I discovered much like the fictional Wolverine my body was younger than my actual age, three years to be precise, I’ve not had a bone scan done in some time but when I had my first at sixteen my bones looked like that of a thirteen year-old. It has also screwed up my sense of smell. I have almost no olfactory ability. Don’t ever ask me what you’re smelling, unless your face is over a plate of strongly scented food ( or an occasional candle) I can’t help you. That lack of smell which to me never really seemed odd was actually a clue to the fact that I had Kallman’s. Of the many things this disorder has taken the one that is the hardest to deal with is the ability to have children. Kallman’s nullifies my body’s ability to create LH hormone which is required for a man to produce fertile sperm. Case in point I found out shortly after I was diagnosed that Kallman’s had succeeded in taking the one thing I’ve wanted more than anything since I was about eight years old, kids.
I love kids. I’ve been around them my whole life. Next to dogs (which I’ll get to in a bit) they are what I’m the best at dealing with. I’ve pretty much wanted to be a dad my whole life. While many people find out later in life after trying and failing to have kids that it won’t happen, I found out much earlier. Most people tend to think such a thing has a stronger bearing on a woman. That might be the case when it is the woman that such news is delivered to, but I’m not a female. When many people find this out they are married and deal with such news as a couple. I was quite literally just starting puberty and having the future I’d dreamed of being crushed under the feet of a diagnosis that even now isn’t exactly common. There was no wife, it was just me. When most guys my age were worrying about making a JV team I was watching my future fade before my eyes.
How does this all fit with my turning 30? It just so happens that thirty is the minimum age required to adopt from China. While most people dread this day I have been anxiously awaiting the birthday I was never supposed to reach in the first place. Medicine has advanced a great deal in all these years but when I was born at my rather tiny size I wasn’t suppose to live very long. The past several years if you’ve paid attention to my social media posts on my birthday you’ll have seen the countdown to my thirtieth birthday. I’m currently lacking a few of the other requirements needed, namely a spouse but let me tell you, this birthday, this age is one that feels good to have finally reached
Half of my life has been spent dealing with the fact that kids will never come naturally. Believe me if I could make it happen then I would. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t still sting every once in a while. But, after all these years I can say joyfully I wouldn’t change having Kallman’s. Having to live around getting injections puts a serious hamper on doing many things I want to, not being able to have biological children isn’t always easy, but nothing in my life has pushed me closer to God, and grown my faith like dealing with this. Joy and happiness are two totally separate things and Kallman’s has taught me that well. Happiness is based on circumstances, joy is different, it’s not a feeling it’s a fruit of the Spirit, produced through trials.
Now to the dogs. Exactly one year ago today after spending a fantastic night with my friends trying new food and throwing axes at wooden planks, I enrolled in dog training school. Like I said in the blog post that mentioned my acceptance into said school, dogs were always the end game for me. A year ago I dipped my toe in the formal waters of dog behaviors, training, and all that gaining a certification entails. Within a few months I will have gained that certification in half or just over half the time allotted to complete my courses (I’ve wanted such a thing since I graduated high school but it didn’t exist in the capacity that technology has allowed it to now) so I’ve done as much as I can as quickly as I can. Thankfully I’m a quick reader and after a lifetime of dealing with dogs the things required of me to complete school has mostly just consisted of absorbing as much information as possible and then playing with dogs to see how it works. Now instead of jumping into the waters of formal schooling I stand on the precipice that is owning and operating my own dog training business and all that entails.
You see, many people look at thirty as a death sentence. It means getting old and not having anything to look forward to. Thirty isn’t a death sentence it’s an open door to something I’ve waited to get to for a long time. The past thirty years have certainly not looked like I would have planned them to if I’d written out this thing called my life. But that is the great thing about God, He’s had it all planned out. He’s always been faithful and he’s always been there even in the pain and the hard times.
Here’s to thirty. May I take every step glorifying the God who has carried me all the way and telling others about His love and faithfulness.
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God"
-Bethel music Goodness of God
