I don't believe in chance or randomness. There is a reason for everything even if we don't or can't know that reason. We just finished a book by Andrew Murray called Absolute Surrender you should check it out, it will change you if you let it. The whole premise of the book is a life completely surrendered to God and what the Christian life should look like because of that. The past seven weeks have been spent grappling with each chapter, and tonight we covered the last two. One of the last parts of the book is a prayer (the book is full of them and they are beautiful) it's simple, asking God to make it so that he (Andrew Murray) would be completely satisfied in God. For me, that final prayer is one of the strongest parts of the book. Being completely satisfied in God means He is the only thing you seek. You can do His will because you are surrendered to Him and know that you are nothing and can accomplish nothing without Holy Spirit working in you. The outcome of that will isn't defined by you at all aside from your willingness, surrender, and the fact that it is your body. That is a hard thing to swallow. Most of my life I've seen Philippians 4:13 taken out of context so much that the thought that I am nothing and can do nothing is an odd thing, no matter how true it actually is, it is certainly counter-cultural and frankly counter to the belief of many followers of Christ. The entire point of the verse is not the 'I' at the beginning or the 'me' at the end it is the 'Through Him' in the middle. The point is God. It's not about me, it's about Him.
Hang tight.
Tonight I received my regular injection of testosterone. My grandmother happened to be in the kitchen while it was being drawn into the syringe and she asked my mother how long I'd have to get the injections. The answer is my whole life barring some miracle of God or an advance in medical science that creates another way for testosterone to be delivered to my system so that my body can function like it should. Why does this matter? I've been taking these injections for twelve years now, since I was fifteen. This October it will be just under half my life exactly. Tonight is the first time I think I've ever really grappled with the fact that this is an issue that keeps me from truly being satisfied in God. Oh, how I want to say that I seek only Him, but I can't, not honestly.
In and of themselves the injections have become routine. The majority of the time I don't even feel them. It is the result of what those injections mean that bars me from finding satisfaction in God alone. I seek things that aren't in His will, children that are mine biologically. Those are not bad things, Biblically speaking children are a blessing from the Lord. The problem being that I can say I want His will to be done but until I'm actually willing to surrender completely to that will and everything it involves I can't actually be satisfied in Him. I can want Him to work His plan for my life with every fiber of my being but if I'm not surrendered it isn't going to happen. I think we get confused much of the time, we say we want God to work, and we honestly do pray earnestly for that to happen, but we let ourselves get in the way. I can tell you I do. Too often we rush headlong into doing things for God without stopping to actually see if that is what God wants us to do. It has to be His will, His way.
His will, His way. That's not always easy to accept. We don't want to say that we aren't happy with His plans when they are hard or hurt, but we knowingly or not can put up a barrier that blocks us from enjoying Him as we should and that leads to keeping Him from getting the glory He rightly deserves. I wouldn't have come out and said for the past twelve years that I wasn't satisfied in God. It wasn't a conscious choice. But it was still a choice made when I wasn't willing to totally give this away to the God who planned it long before I was born. We've talked over the past several weeks about wanting God's power but not wanting His will or wanting His ill but doing it in our own power. It just doesn't work. I don't like to think of the things I've messed up because I've set out on my own to accomplish what I thought was His will without ever stopping and seeking Him. How much different would the Church look if we realized we cannot do things without God and any attempt to do so is only hurting the end result and that is the glory of God.
I'm not about to tell you that this revelation tonight is going to magically change everything. That isn't how this works. I will still wrestle with this, quite possibly for the rest of my life. But at least now I know it is there and I can war against it and seek Him and Him only. His Will, His way. Finding satisfaction in God alone is possible because it's not about me or what I can do. In the end it is all through Him. I surrender by choice but the work itself is thankfully not done by me at all. I am nothing, I'm helpless, but God is not.
