2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Grace. Weakness. Power. Glory.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."- 2nd Corinthians 12:8-10

That is a pretty familiar passage. Verse 9 and the last part of verse 10 are oft quoted. If you aren't some stranger what I'm writing won't be a particular surprise to you. In fact it is a topic I've written on repeatedly over the years that this blog has existed. However, this time around I'm going to be echoing Paul and explaining why this passage resonates with me. Tonight I speak on Kallman's and why this passage gives me strength. If you want a fuller look at what Kallman's is follow this link to a previous post in which I explain it.

http://jhenonevoice.blogspot.com/2013/09/a-not-so-nice-anniversary-and.html

At 1pm tomorrow afternoon, I will visit the endocrinologist per usual for my twice yearly checkup. A time that consists of hearing what my testosterone levels are, adjusting the dosage and frequency of my injections if needed, and answering questions about whether or not I'm having any side effects from the testosterone. This is not a time that I look forward to but who enjoys going to the doctor?

Ten years. Ten years I've been getting these injections. Shots that for the most part I rarely feel anymore they've become so common. Though my hip is usually sore after so I tend to watch how I sleep.  I currently get them every other week. In fact, I received one yesterday. This is the way I've lived almost half my life now.

 I'd like to tell you that it has become spectacularly easy and it doesn't bother me anymore. Not the physical pain, the knowledge of what it limits me to doing. I could tell you that but if I did I would be lying and there would be no point in my writing. If anything when you read my blog posts I want you to see grace and truth. So you are going to see the grittiness and the pain but I hope you see faith amidst an ongoing struggle and the love of a God who knows far better than I do, what is good for me.

I'm like Paul,I've prayed for years for God to take this. I've prayed for some miraculous healing to take place so my brain would be whole as it should and my body would follow suit. It hasn't come. I'm still abnormal. Some days facing that truth is easier than others. I can happily tell you that God is doing this or that in my life but still struggle with the fact that what I wish He would do He hasn't. Understanding that Kallman's is for my better is easy enough to say I get, but far harder to put into practice. I've had ten years to deal with this I should be over it right? Maybe. However, being confronted by what I'm unable to do often makes this all the harder to just 'get over'.

I am not a regular person. I want to do normal things. I want to lead a normal life. That is not the life God has planned for me. I want to do missions so badly but currently am bound to trips that last no more than a week and they cannot occur on shot days. That makes travel practically impossible. I cannot do the missions I really want to do, I cannot get to Africa like that. While I don't feel called to full-time missions I'm not going to say no if God says go teach in other countries be it children or sustainability. My knowledge of sustained living is limited to chickens but I know quite a bit about them.  I've done mission trips for several years now but those have thus far all worked out to I either get a shot before I leave or soon after returning home. As you can see this is quite the conundrum. A painful problem that produces jealousy if I'm not careful to guard against it, and sometimes, even when I am.

I do not get the honor or privilege to see tiny children in sonograms that are born and have one trait of mine or another. If I have children, I'm certain that they will likely not even share my ethnicity. It hurts, sometimes more strongly than others, but ten years is a great deal of time to come to grips with such a consequence of Kallman's. It doesn't mean I'm completely cured of the pain, but it does mean I'm better at dealing with it when it comes.

I told you I was like Paul. I prayed for Kallman's to go away and it hasn't. Such a result means there is clearly a reason that I've not been cured or another treatment option has not yet been found and offered to me. That reason hasn't shown itself in a concrete form. I cannot point at a time and say 'That is when it all made sense'. However, I can tell you that this is a struggle that God has given me so He can be glorified. This is something I have been afflicted with so I can be closer to Him. I long for a day when this experience can be a help to someone other than myself. The statistical odds of meeting even one other person in Chattanooga with Kallman's aren't high so there is some other person that needs what I've learned. Maybe it is a couple who found out they can't have kids. Maybe it is a person whose dreamed grand dreams of doing amazing things for God but is relegated to watching others chase them while they sit on the sidelines because of some physical challenge or another. 

His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in MY weakness. I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness to show the world that my God is far stronger than I am and can do miraculous things through one as abnormal as me. I can be content with such a life because in that life, when I am weak I receive his power and I become strong. This is why such a passage resonates with me. It is why I cling to the word of a living God whose plan for me might not make sense at this moment to me but has never been anything but glorifying to Him. If I boast may it be in Christ and Christ alone.

And I will end with this quote by my favorite theologian, Charles Spurgeon "Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there."