I think before I speak. These past few days have been no different. Last night and the events that have taken place today have been tumbling inside my head for hours. Earlier this morning I sent a text describing that thought process as 'like my brain has downloaded a bunch of files and been tossed inside a gyroscope or maybe a blender'- basically I couldn't think straight. Even now things are not as straight as I'd prefer them to be, but clear enough that I can at least make something that resembles a coherent thought.
Last night when my phone lit up with an alert from BBC to report that attacks in Dallas I was asleep and didn't fully realize the news the icon was informing me of until my younger brother text me a few minutes later. Then I got kind of numb and then I fell asleep. I woke to worse news than I had fallen asleep to and was met with images and video to go along with the words on my phone screen. Our world is a messed up place and tragedies are unfortunately not uncommon. You'd think that by now anything like this would just be par for the course, not that it would produce apathy, but that I wouldn't be taken by surprise.
The first half hour I was awake I did nothing but scan news stories and watch video feed of the chaos in Dallas. Then my brain pushed me out of bed. It sounds weird I know but I do my best thinking when I'm moving. So I exercised but it didn't really help as much as I was hoping it would. Then I did something completely out of the ordinary for me, I read my Bible while the sun was shining. I don't normally study during the day, like writing, I prefer to read and study my Bible when it is dark and everything is quiet. Not today. And there I found the hope I needed. Hope that doesn't dissolve the grief I feel but gives me the strength I need to deal with today. A hope that is placed in the kingdom of God where darkness doesn't exist because it can't stand the light.
Grief though, Grief that seeps in like water through a crack and then relentlessly pours in like floodwater. Grief that reminds me just how easily life is taken and that a single second is enough to change the life of so many people. A not so gentle reminder as I watched video this morning of how many family members and friends I have who wear a badge that marked victims last night. How this was not a traffic stop gone wrong or a call response turned bad. These were men who were essentially sitting ducks while working a protest. A scene like this could have easily unfolded here a few weeks ago during Riverbend. A bunch of officers, a bunch of people, easy targets.
I think that more than anything is what makes this day so heavy. These officers were not actively responding to a distress call they were simply there like their jobs called for them to be. There were no bullets to dodge just people to protect as they exercised their right to free speech whether they agreed with the officers being there or not. You know there is a chance of harm when they are called to a scene, but standing there, that is a different story.
When blood is shed we mourn. Life is a gift not to be squandered and the loss of it leaves a profound impact that ripples out. We bleed red and we bleed blue.
(A/N:So why a gyroscope? Because today that is where my head has been, stuck in constant motion of thought and emotion as they battled to be heard and felt. If you are wondering why I got a BBC update and not CNN,Fox, NBC, or ABC, it's because BBC reports quickly worldwide and I'm a news junkie, I want to know what is happening, where it's happening, and when.)
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